Friday, June 09, 2006

Guardianistas Against Dave

Yay… Dave’s ahead in the polls and they’re all coming out of the woodwork to criticise and fisk every little detail of him and today is no exception as the Guardian Twat Counter reaches 3.

Only fair I suppose, Guttersnipe does this all the time. With this in mind I see no reason to stop now and in defence of the Hon. Member for Witney it’s time to strike back.

Jeffries…. The Snipe is coming at ya!

“Flying a flag of St George on his bike is one thing, but Dave obviously needs ideas on how to make over his car. Let me help “

This is Stuart Jeffries, sub editor of the Guardian, would you accept makeover and style tips from him? How many times have you been in GQ? How many times have you featured in a sexiest men poll Stuart?

“David Cameron isn't really entering into the sheer patriotic fun of the thing. You know, the World Cup. He has put an English flag on his bicycle to express his solidarity with the massed metatarsals of Baden-Baden, true, but not one on the car that accompanies the radical environmentalist's every turn of the pedal. “

Ah right… he’s placed a St. George’s flag on his bike… good on him. Rightly this has been done in moderation. Tessa Jowell has placed 3 on her ministerial car (probably put through the books as a ministerial expense). So who has done the better makeover here? Too much of a good thing makes you look like a dickhead… imagine Long John Silver with two eyepatches and you get my point.

“There are still a few spots in England unbedecked with the flag whose design so eloquently expresses our national summertime sensibility (red and cross), and David's car is one of them. For shame, "sexy" Dave, for shame! Incidentally, am I alone in finding Cameron's secret car of mystery by far the most fascinating thing about the Conservative leader? “

Yes Stuart you are… the rest of us see it as a means of transport, it follows on in the background because Dave likes to cycle, and you can’t cycle with a stackload of ministerial papers and documents. Aside from the balance issues just think of the security!!

“This is the car which, my researcher reveals, daily carries four party workers, each of whom has a special task to fulfil. One holds Cameron's suit, white shirt, green tie, fresh underwear and shoes. The second holds his papers and his iPod, which a team of clued-up Tories regularly updates in order to make Cameron, my source tells me, "even more kickass". The third holds a nutritious apple on a cushion and constantly sends texts to pop stars that always end: "Laters, yeah? Peace out, Dave!". And the fourth? The fourth flunky carries a kiss from mummy in their hand which they blow to David at the end of his cycle ride from Notting Hill to Westminster. “

Have a good look at this paragraph. Now we see the sort of twat we’re dealing with here. Really have you ever read such mindless bollocks in your life, and this is from a supposedly intelligent broadsheet. This crap wouldn’t have even made it into the Beano. Even Prescott draws the line with what he says sometimes.

Let's be absolutely clear. This arrangement is good for Britain, good for the environment and good for David, who still has abandonment issues following his hellish Eton years, the poor lamb. There is also, of course, a fifth person in the car - the driver, who doesn't speak even when he's spoken to, about whom more later.

Does David Cameron still have abandonment issues? Did he ever? Or can you not find anything actually constructive to say against the man? I note that by 2.45pm today the comments left on this article were:

“Stuart, mate, "Estoy con estúpido" doesn't make any sense in Spanish. Stick to English, please. “
“Well that was five minutes I could have spent on something more useful. Still I suppose the same can be said for Mr Jeffries too... “

So who’s feeling abandoned now? I’m sure you were just transposing your own harsh recollections of being towel whipped in the prefect’s common room before double Latin weren’t you? Good Old Memory Lane…

“But no flags. It comes to something when troubled culture minister Tessa Jowell who, like PG Wodehouse's Scotsman, is readily distinguishable from a sunbeam, takes the lead in showing us how to mobilise politicians' cars to revel in what we again call the sheer patriotic fun of the thing? “

Sheer patriotic fun… could the Guardian make up their minds? Please have a long chat with jonathan Harker and decide whether she is having fun or voting BNP please. Notice the literary reference put in to make sure that we all know Mr. Jeffries is more intelligent than us poor proles. How we should bask in the glory of Guardian columnists. I prefer to quote Renton in Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting “They’re effete wankers”.

“My team have designed some flags that Cameron's flunkies could fly from his car to pimp his ride. Or, rather, pimp his flunkies' ride. “

Oh Mr. Jeffries… you’re so hip with the kids aren’t you? I’ll bet Wilberforce and Jocasta think you’re simply divine down the Country Club. I’ll bet they even let you pick your own fair trade wine.

“the Cameroonian flag (because Dave's devotees are Cameroons, see).

Oh you’re a card aren’t you? I’m glad I’m near a hospital my sides have just split….

"The great thing about this idea is that it will keep Boris Johnson (aka Vanilla Nice) busy 24/7 and thus away from: 1) Liverpool, 2) potential suitors, and 3) the policy-making process, as well as making a distinctively Conservative stand about, you know, something. Everybody's a winner. Except the driver, who must be fired to make way for Vanilla Nice. But modern politics is all about hard decisions such as these."

And probably beneficial to you that it would keep Boris away from the Telegraph where he writes considerably better articles than you do.

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